Introducing New Partners to Your Kids

By: Jeff Durham - Updated: 7 Dec 2018 | *Discuss

 

Whilst you may have been consumed by the many different emotions you will have no doubt experienced when you were going through a divorce, your child or children will have been affected by the divorce also. They may be feeling insecure and vulnerable, they might be confused as to why you have split up, they may be angry at the person who’s made the decision to separate. In fact, their feelings can quite often be as mixed-up as their parents’ emotions at this time. Therefore, when you have found a new partner and are experiencing happy times again, you have to remember that it’s you who is experiencing joy again, not your children. Yes, they may be happy to see you smiling again but a ‘new person’ coming into their lives may not be as welcomed as you might have hoped.

Putting Your Children First

Talking openly to them about their feelings and any fears they have can often reassure them that life is going to be OK. Telling them that you need their love and how important they are in your life is something you should constantly remind them. The more their confidence is rebuilt, the more open they might become towards accepting your new partner into their lives.

Problems You May Encounter

They may also be hoping that there might be some kind of reconciliation with your ex. It’s important that you tell them that this won’t happen but do so gently and never malign your ex to your children. Even if you loathe your ex with a passion, try to keep your comments to your children about them positive or, at least, don’t criticise them. They are, after all, a Mum or a Dad to the children no matter what has caused you to split up. If you’re negative towards your ex, it could cause your kids to resent you and almost certainly resent anybody you might choose to get involved with subsequently.

Take it Slowly

Don’t expect too much too soon. Whilst you might think that everyone should get on great seeing that you love both your kids and your new partner, remember that both sides may feel nervous, unsure, threatened or jealous so it’s all about taking small steps and having open conversations with both your children and your partner separately after each meeting to talk about how they feel about things so you can get to understand their feelings and plan for future meetings. Remember, your expectations and hopes are likely to be different to those of your children at least initially, so don’t rush things.

Good communication, patience, understanding and some give and take on all sides as well as that vital commodity…time, is often all that you need to ensure that your new partner becomes a part of both your own and your children’s life in whatever form that may take, but allow some time before you make the introductions and be as sure as you can be that your feelings towards this new partner are serious as your kids will be less inclined to even want to know in the future, if you’re doing this regularly with different partners.

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